my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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