My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
