you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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