Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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