i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
