she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
