so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
