you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
