just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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