Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
