I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
