____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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