God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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