I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
