i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
