im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
