And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
