My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
