I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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