How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
