I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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