8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
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