Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
