so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
