Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
