I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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