Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
