oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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