I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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