Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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