At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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