Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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