sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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