I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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