i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
