wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
