Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
