i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
