Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
