Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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