there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
