just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
