nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
