He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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