I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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