I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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