Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
