I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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