i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
