I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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