I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sext me about skeletons
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
