I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
