Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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