and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
