i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
