Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How does one acquire holy water?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
