Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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