I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
