I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
